I Win
by momoxtoshiro
Summary: ...Those days held a significance that cannot be explained. All she knew was that it had existed, and that she wanted it back. Hitsugaya/Hinamori/Aizen. Songfic to Abra Moore.


****

I'm sorry to say this is not one of my more romantic, humor fics so if that's what you were expecting...sorry but not this time! I just whipped it up one day cause the song fit pretty well.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. Songfic song by Abra Moore. Some lines of the story were based off of the lyrics from the song Time by Sarah McLachlan.**

* * *

I Win

There was no sun today.

Just dark, gloomy shapes and gray figures all around, everything shaded in any color from silver to onyx.

The lieutenant of the Gotei 13's 5th division was sitting alone in her darkened room on her bed with her hands in her lap and her head bowed. Not long ago had she woken up from the long coma she had been in, and only a few days ago she had been granted the permission to speak to the captain of the 10th division; the boy who was once her best friend.

She still could not believe herself and what she had done to their bonds. The actions she had taken, like raising her sword against him were unforgivable, and she knew that old wounds would never heal if you kept re-opening them; and that was exactly what she was doing.

Every day she hated walking through her division's barracks, expecting to see her former captain but knowing that she never would. She was full of betrayal but she herself had also betrayed the one person dearest to her, so how much more different could she be from that man? How could she be any better than him if she committed those same crimes?

She let the first few tears roll down her cheeks and land on the backs of her hands.

The only thing she felt the slightest bit of joy from, was that she was finally free of him. Never again would she call that man her captain, nor act like she ever was his subordinate. She was free, like a bird released from its cage after far too many torturous hours of hopeless thrashing and failed attempts to fly. She was unbound, her invisible shackles and chains now unlocked, allowing her to finally live of her own accord once again. In that case, she had won.

However, she held the burden of an even bigger failure, one that was tearing her apart from the inside out. Her heart shattered more and more with every beat and matching second that passed by. She had betrayed her best friend, the one she had known and loved since childhood. The one she was always with no matter where they were or what they were doing. The boy she constantly played with and acted as though they were siblings; but they were _so_ much more than that. Though she had gratefully accepted her freedom from that man's clutches, she could not help but to think of him as her captain, yet she could not even keep a simple promise to her best friend.

What kind of monster was she?

_**Okay, I Win, you finally lost me**_

_**You're letting me go, I'm walking away**_

_**No fight, no fight, still falling apart**_

_**And I can't get you out of my heart**_

Sitting there on her bed alone in the darkness, she tried to push the tears away, as she always did when she cried.

She received the same result, only causing herself more pain and more tears as she tried to stop it all.

Then, she saw a flicker of movement from somewhere next to her. Her head snapped up in alarm, but she soon relaxed her shoulders when she realized it was nothing more than the shadows playing cruel tricks on her. But she did not want to turn any lights on, for their blindingly yellow radiance on such a dreary, gray afternoon would make her sick for sure. She just sat in silence, letting the darkness and all of its wicked tricks seep into her.

Time there in that room seemed to pause for a millennium or two as the shadows began to move across the walls. She liked them; they kept her company, yet asked nothing of her, forever silent, patient, and always listening. She watched their dance, a beautiful scene that was alluring yet frightening, just short of insanity.

She loved them both, was that such a crime? Yet, the love she had once held for her captain was in the past, buried and hidden away like a forgotten piece of herself she wished never to recover. She loved him as a captain, but in his case, the word 'love' was in the past tense, as in she _had once _loved him, but that was no longer so. It was simply a pretense of love and nothing more.

However, for her entire life she had been living completely oblivious to the precious things that were right next to her. She had loved her friend since the day they had started living together in their earlier days. It was as though her heart was divided down the center, one half black and the other white, each tugging against the other in an eternal battle for dominance.

She knew that one day the strain on her heart would be too great, and either one side would be victorious, or it would break apart altogether.

_**Alright, alright, I lied about loving**_

_**A man that I love, a love I won't have**_

_**And it's true, it's true, I'm falling apart**_

_**And I can't get you out of my heart**_

Why could things not go back to the way they used to be?

How they once had been when the biggest betrayal was when someone cheated in a game?

When the most jealousy you felt was over an imaginary being and the hardest question to figure out was where the sun went at night?

She missed those days terribly; everyone does deep down.

But for her, those days held a significance that cannot be explained. All she knew was that it had existed, and that she wanted it back. Memories were the only things she had left that kept him near, and she was not sure if they were following her or haunting her.

One of her strongest reminiscences was of long ago when they were children, still living in their foster grandmother's house as though nothing else in the world mattered.

_"Ready or not, here I come!" His voice rang out around the little cottage they called home. _

_The little girl, hearing his voice and rendered without a place to hide, quickly took shelter in the nearest space that could fit her. She scrambled under her grandmother's big, wooden table it the kitchen, the one where they always ate all their meals together, aside from an occasional snack the children ate outside in the afternoon. It was not much of a hiding spot, but it was the best she could do at the moment and since she had wasted most of the time she was granted to hide searching for a spot they did _not _use every other game. _

_She hugged her knees to her chest and clamped her mouth shut. But it only took him a few second to find her. "Gotcha, Bed-Wetter." He said in a bored tone as he somehow managed to sneak up behind her. She squeaked in surprise and did her best to spin around and face him. "You always pick the worst hiding spots." He informed her. _

_"But it's so hard to find a good spot anymore! Let's stop for now, neh, Shiro-chan?" _

_"Whatever." _

_The two of them, not wanting to move from where they sat, shifted positions so that they could lean comfortably back-to-back. They each closed their eyes and leaned their heads back in unison, accidentally knocking them together. _

_They both complained for a moment before trying again, this time leaning back slowly against one another as they let their eyelids fall._

_**Kiss me under the table, **_

_**Make believe in love**_

_**Dream with me under the table**_

_**It makes me feel, makes me feel alive**_

The girl turned her head away from the twisting shadows for a moment.

Her chestnut eyes caught sight of a folded sheet of white paper, the brightest thing in the entire room. She reached over from where she sat on the bed, gently picking it up from the small table as though it could break at any second. Her fingers curled around it gingerly as she grasped it and retracted her arm. At first she just stared at it, then, slowly, she untied little blue ribbon and uncurled the paper.

She let her eyes do as they pleased as they read over the words she already knew by heart. His false letter, telling her lies and confiding things she never found an ounce of pleasure in knowing. Her fingers tightened their grip on the parchment until it was crumpled at the places where her skin touched it. She did not know if this overwhelming sorrow she felt was from grief or anger, and she just barely caught herself before she tore the letter to shreds.

That man. He had used the one she loved so much. He had used the aqua-eyed boy's own feelings against him and used them to his advantage for tricking her. She hated herself indescribably for falling for his tricks. Deep down, she truly never once, even for a split second believed a single word of that letter, but the strong devotion she had built towards her captain forced her into believing, and thus lashing out at the only real friend she ever truly knew.

That was why she cried.

She did not cry because she had lost her captain because of his own malevolent ambitions. Instead, she cried because her best friend had been used and it was all her own fault. She caused his pain and confusion, as well as her own, and she hated herself for it.

The mess they were in now, with severed bonds that could disintegrate at any time, it was all her fault.

_**Something is filling my heart full of secrets**_

_**Something is filling my heart full of lies**_

_**Something is taking my lover for granted**_

_**Something is making me cry**_

She retied the ribbon around the paper again and placed it back on her table.

If she were to one day muster up enough courage to tear it apart, she knew she would have much hesitation, but few regrets afterwards.

She turned her attention back to the bending shadows creeping up the walls, shaded by the dull, pale light that tried to enter through the windows. Everything looked like a black and white watercolor painting, bleeding slightly and dripping into gray smudges. Her eyes watched as the dull shapes morphed and swayed, but one pattern in particular caught her attention. The tree branches that blew in the breeze outside formed spiky black replicas on the walls, yet they reminded her of something quite nostalgic.

_"Your hair keeps poking me, Shiro-chan!" She complained. _

_Though the two of them were still back-to-back under the table, they had been attempting to take a short nap, but it seemed the boy's hair would not allow the girl to relax. _

_"So-rry." The boy grunted. "I can't help it you know. And _you're _the one who wanted to hide under the table. And how many times have I told you not to call me that, Bed-Wetter?" he knocked his head backwards into hers and she yelped. _

_"Ow! What was that for, Shiro-chan?" She cried, turning around in the cramped space so that they were face-to-face. _

_"For calling me _that_, baka." he snapped. Once more he leaned forward, this time banging his forehead into hers. _

_"Ow!" She squealed. "Stop it, Shiro-cha-"she cut off as he repeated his actions. _

_"Stop calling me that, baka!" he repeated. _

_Somehow, this lead to a tickle fight, which, as usual, the little boy won. _

_"No fair," the brown haired girl panted. "You _always _win tickle fights." She pouted._

_"Yeah, so?" he smirked. _

_They had a short staring contest, which ended in the boy's poking his friend and causing her to squeak and thus lose. _

_"Let's go back outside." She huffed. "It's my turn to find you now." The chestnut-eyed girl stood up to head outside, but her movements were too quick. She hit her head on the bottom of the table and fell back to the floor with another yelp. _

_"Baka! Don't knock yourself out!" His words were sarcastic, but his tone was concerned. He crawled over and crouched beside the girl who held her head in her hands and let out short hiccups. "I don't know why you like hiding under the table so much, baka. Let me see." The boy grasped her hands and slowly pulled them away from her face. Tears were dripping down her cheeks, but the look in her eyes was as though she blamed him for the incident. "You're fine." The boy declared after a moment. _

_"I don't _feel _fine." She sniffed, pressing her hands back onto her throbbing forehead. "Besides, I like it under here. I don't know why but I just _do._" She explained. _

"_Except when you hit your head." He filled in. She huffed. Then the little boy reached out a hand and patted her head gently. _

_"Come on, you're fine. If you're really gonna join the Gotei 13 when you get older, than this should be _nothing_." He nudged her. Then, he once again took her hands in his and brought them down into her lap. He then leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "Better?" _

_"…Mmhm." She managed a small smile. But her headache got the better of her and she leaned back against the wall sleepily. "Let's take a nap, Shiro-chan…" She trailed off. _

_"Fine." He gave in with a sigh, secretly a bit tired himself. _

_He took a seat beside her and leaned back against the wall, closing his aqua eyes. _

_She rested her head on his shoulder and they both drifted off to sleep under the table, as the sunshine slanted through the windows and darkened their shadows. _

_**Kiss me under the table**_

_**Make believe in love**_

_**Dream with me under the table **_

_**It makes me feel, makes me feel alive**_

She opened her chestnut eyes, not having realized that they had been close.

She was lying on her bed, but could not remember ever laying down.

Sitting up, she saw that the shadows were even darker than before, and that night had fallen. The paling sunlight had turned into misty moonlight as she dreamt.

Her eyes caught sight of the letter once more, but she forced herself to look away. She was finished with that man. If she could not rip up his letter, that was only because she was weak, not because she still admired him.

She was free from him, but she could not help but thinking what things would have been like if they had turned out differently. Had her captain been a good man, losing her would have been devastating.

But in the situation they were really in, he had lost her, but she had gained _so_ much more from it all.

Yet she had also lost something too.

She had lost the trust of her best friend, and that was definitely the most devastating thing she had ever suffered.

This time, Hinamori managed to hold the tears back as she remembered her former captain. _Aizen Taichou…Thank you for teaching me betrayal. I'll learn from all this, and it'll never happen again. _She thought determinedly.

Her heart beat more painfully as she pictured the face of her childhood friend. _Hitsugaya-kun…Gomenasai. I know, after all I've done I have no right to say this…but I love you._

She loved them both, truly she did, but her love for her friend was much more important than her devotion to her captain.

So she held memories of both of them in separate halves of her weary heart.

She simply could not let either of them go completely.

Was it really so wrong to try and hold onto both?

_**Okay, I Win, you finally lost me**_

_**You're letting me go, I'm walking away**_

_**It's true, it's true, I'm falling apart**_

_**And I can't get you out of my heart**_

_**Holding on to something so wrong...**_

* * *

**A/N: Fin. Let me know how it was please. It's the first time I've never actually used names except for in the dialogue and thought. Did I do well? Or good? Whichever it is...**

**Please review!!**


End file.
